Middle school hallways are a breeding ground for rumors, misunderstandings, and conflicts that can escalate into something bigger than they need to be. That’s exactly what I walked into the other day—two students on the verge of a fight, not because of something they had actually said or done, but because of what other people told them the other person had said.
As I turned the corner, I overheard a few students talking about the drama: "They’re really about to fight after school!" That was my cue. I pulled the students aside, one by one, and told them, "You’re not in trouble, but if you know something, you should say something." School should be a safe place for everyone, and that starts with addressing conflict before it turns into something worse.
This situation could have gone sideways fast if I hadn’t already built trust and a relationship with the students I heard talking in the hallway. If they hadn’t told me who they were talking about or shut down, I would never have been able to contact the people in conflict.
Step 1: Separate to De-Escalate
There's one non-negotiable when dealing with student conflict: never bring students together too soon.
I knew from experience that if I sat these girls down in the same room right away, their walls would be up. They’d be in full defense mode, ready to argue, ready to win—because that’s what conflict feels like to a middle schooler. It’s not about solving the issue; it’s about proving you’re not the weak one.
So before I even thought about having the two students face each other, I needed to hear their perspectives—separately. This does two things:
- It lowers the stakes. When students talk one-on-one, they don’t feel like they have to “perform” in front of their peers. There’s no audience, no pressure to save face, just space to talk.
- It allows students to process their emotions. In the heat of the moment, they’re fueled by what they think is happening. Giving them time to tell their side of the story lets them slow down and reflect.
As it turned out, both girls had a story full of secondhand information. Neither of them had actually spoken to the other about what was supposedly said.
This is where things got interesting.
How often do we assume we know the whole story when in reality, we’re just operating off of what someone else told us? That’s exactly what happened here.
Step 2: Finding the Real Problem
When I asked each student what made them so upset, the answer was almost identical:
"She was talking about me."
"She said something bad about me."
"Everyone told me she doesn’t like me."
But when I pushed for details—what exactly did she say?—neither could give me a direct quote. It was all hearsay. The dots weren’t connecting.
That’s when I saw the bigger picture: this wasn’t a personal issue between the two girls—it was a classic case of instigation.
Somewhere along the way, a group of students decided to stir the pot, feeding each girl a different version of the story to create drama. The problem was never between the two of them. The real issue was who was feeding them false information and why they were so quick to believe it.
And that’s the thing about middle school: students are still learning how to navigate trust, loyalty, and conflict. They want to believe their friends and the people around them have their best interests at heart. But sometimes, those “friends” are the ones causing the most chaos.
That’s exactly what happened here. Instead of seeking clarity, both students went into self-defense mode, ready to fight over something that wasn’t even real.
Step 3: Bringing Them Together (the Right Way)
After hearing both sides separately, I knew they were ready to talk. But I wasn’t about to throw them into a room and say, “Okay, now fix it.” Restorative conversations don’t work like that. They need structure.
I started by setting the ground rules:
- Listen to understand, not to respond. No interrupting. No reacting. Just listening.
- Speak only for yourself. No “Well, everyone said…” Just your experience.
- Focus on repairing, not blaming. The goal isn’t to “win” but to understand each other.
As they began to talk, it became obvious that both of them had been manipulated by the same people. When they compared notes, the lightbulb went off.
"Wait… so you never actually said that?"
"No! And I never said what they told you either."
They realized they had been played. And more importantly, they learned something that many adults struggle with: trust is built on direct communication, not assumptions.
And in that moment, they became wise.
Step 4: Learning the Right Lesson
By the time they walked out of my office, they weren’t enemies—they were allies. They understood that if they ever heard something about each other again, they needed to go directly to the source instead of relying on the grapevine.
This is the power of restorative discipline. It’s not about punishing students for getting caught up in the drama. It’s about giving them the tools to handle conflict better next time.
That’s the goal—not just stopping fights but teaching students how to stop them for themselves in the future. Because we slowed things down, gave each student a voice, and prioritized understanding over punishment, we walked away with something better than just preventing a fight—we created a foundation for handling conflict in a healthier way.
The Takeaway for Educators
Middle school drama is inevitable, but fights don’t have to be. When students are given the space to process, reflect, and communicate, they often realize that their biggest enemy isn’t the person they were about to fight—it’s the people feeding them misinformation.
So the next time you hear students talking about a fight, remember:
- Separate first. Let each student share their side without pressure.
- Find the root cause. What’s the real issue? Is it personal, or is it just bad information?
- Facilitate a restorative conversation. Give them the tools to talk it out productively.
Most importantly, let them leave with a skill they can use for life. Conflict is inevitable, but escalation doesn’t have to be.
More Resources
Want to explore this approach further? Check out my book, Hacking School Discipline, where we rethink student behavior by shifting from traditional punishment to restorative practices that foster relationships and accountability.
